i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
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sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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