you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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