It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
