and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
