How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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