Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
