He asked to "fluff my boner.."
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
