I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
