So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
