I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
