So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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