whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
