Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
