If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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