Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
