also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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