wrigley field is MILF paradise
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
