dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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