u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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