nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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