i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
