It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
