woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
