I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
