you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you