watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
