Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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