Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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