Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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