Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
