oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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