i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
