So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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