I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
