he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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