I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
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I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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