Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed