He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.