Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
