I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
