Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
