I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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