you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
