my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
