yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
