it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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