At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
