I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
