Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
