Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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