i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
