I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
