who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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