yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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