Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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