i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
